BY AMBER BATEMAN

9/2/2024

 

Once, as an exhausted mom of two toddler boys, I attempted to get some laundry folded. I took my eyes off my boys for a total of 68 seconds, noting to myself how quiet and calm they seemed. When I found them in the living room, they had unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper AND an entire roll of paper towels. Each held their prized cardboard tubes to their eyes, squealing with delight, about 100 feet of white paper tastefully strewn about the room. Truthfully, I started to cry, but fortunately I snapped a photo and sent it to my Dad. He laughed hysterically and helped me see the humor and hope in the situation. It was going to be okay after all…even if we had to use tissues until we got more toilet paper.

Parenting is an amazing journey, but also an incredibly challenging one for most of us. Today, I’m sharing 7 principles that I hope encourage you in the journey. This is not a rigid set of rules, but simply some ideas to foster mental health for yourself and your children. When we are exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed as a parent, practical straightforward things to try can be very helpful. That being said, please do not think you need to incorporate all of these strategies at once! If you feel overwhelmed, just start by trying one of the principles and maybe come back to the others later.

 

Principle #1—Affection.

All humans benefit from physical affection, but it is especially important for children. Appropriate loving touch reduces stress hormones and helps regulate emotions. It promotes brain development and provides a sense of security and belonging. Children benefit from hugs, quick kisses, pats on the back, hand holding, sitting close together, light squeezes and back scratches. Even if you are not naturally a person who enjoys touch, it is worth starting small and investing in your child in this way. It is hard to overdo physical affection for young children! It’s a win for both of you.

Reflective questions: Do I give my child physical affection? How often? What is one gesture of affection I could practice with my child this week?

Principle #2—Slow down

Children are naturally slow in the first years of their lives. The word “slow” can have negative connotations in modern English, but I mean it in a wonderfully positive way.  Young children are completely present in the moment, only aware of that which they can experience with their five senses: sight, touch, hearing, smell, and taste. An autumn leaf, a neighbor’s puppy, a chocolate cupcake. The whole world is wondrous to them with new experiences around every corner.

But as we grew older, modern society tells us we should speed up, that we have things to do. That we must hustle. And with that speed often comes stress, relationships strain, and unhealthy habits. Unfortunately, we drag our children into a fast, stressful lifestyle. I have been there too, friend. But I am learning that we don’t have to live like that. There is another way. A healthier, less stressful way.  

This is a big topic that I’m just touching the surface of here (much more on this in my upcoming book), but for now, I’m inviting those with young children to slow down your pace of life, and live more in the present moment. This is one of the most practical and impactful strategies you can use to decrease your stress as a family and improve mental health.

Reflective questions: When do I most often feel stressed? Is it partly because I am rushing? Is it actually necessary for me to rush right now? If I take a deep breath and slow down, will anything terrible actually happen?

Principle #3—Prioritize

Parenting can feel overwhelming because there is so much we need to work on with our children: trying new foods, potty training, playing well with others, learning to brush teeth, ride a bike, the list goes and on. But all of those things take time. They are not learned overnight. Just as a gardener does not expect a harvest the day he plants the seed, the wise parent does not expect themselves to tackle every new tasks with a child at once. The gardener and the parent can show up day after day, and enjoy the journey unfolding before them.

Reflective questions: What are one or two areas of growth we are working on right now? What can I let go of for right now?

Principle #4—Communicate with balance.

Wise parents strike a balance between giving enough direction so that the child knows what is expected of him, but not so much direction that he feels confused or overwhelmed. This is sometimes hard to distinguish, so don’t hesitate to ask for advice from seasoned parents you admire. Children also need to know what they are doing well. Encourage and give praise often for obedient or kind behavior. Asking questions and showing genuine interest in a child is also very healthy.

Reflective questions: Do I tend to over communicate (give too much direction or explanation) or do I tend to under communicate (not talk enough due to insecurity or distraction)? Who could I ask for advice from in this area?

Principle #5—Reduce unhealthy stimulation (namely technology).

We live in a very overstimulating culture. Technology such as smart phones, tablets, laptops, video games, and TV are very stimulating activities, meaning they cause a lot of audible and internal/mental noise. Every time you look at a screen, you mentally leave the place your physically are. Your brain is caught between the virtual reality and the actual reality of that moment. This makes it very difficult to do what we previously mentioned in this post. You cannot slow down and be in the present moment, while on a device. Limiting your children’s access to technology is really helpful, but I would say that limiting your own technology use when around your children, is equally important. I heard one mom say she started treating being on her phone like a bad habit that she didn’t want her kids to see. What an insightful approach.

Reflective questions: Do I show a good example to my children when it comes to technology use? Do my kids often see me on my phone? What practical steps can I talk to reduce technology distraction?

Principle #6—Self care.

The term “self care” as a parent of young children can seem like an oxymoron. You may want to scuff (or cry) at the thought. How in the world are you supposed to do “self care” when there are so many things that need to be done? I can totally relate. However, wise parents find ways to apply this principle, even if they don’t call it “self care”. It is the principle that we take care of the needs of the family members and that includes you as the parent. When you as the leader of your home, are taking practical steps to meet your needs, you not only enable yourself to be a better leader, but you also set an example for your children to follow. Modeling healthy coping is an extremely valuable skill you can pass on to your little ones. Let me give an example:

It’s 10 am and you are feeling the mid morning blues. Can’t really put your finger on why, but you are just irritated. The kids pick up on this mood and are acting more annoyed than you are. This is a perfect moment to practice the principle of self care. Take a deep breath ask yourself, “what do I need right now? Physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually?” Maybe you brew a favorite tea and ask the kids to join you for a simple tea time (physical need). Maybe you video call an elderly family member and have everyone say hello to her (relational need). Maybe you put on some kids worship music (spiritual and emotional need). The ideas are endless, but the point is to explore what meets your family’s needs (including you) in practical, doable ways.

Reflective question: What are 5 simple self care practices I can utilize? Try to list 2 things you can do alone and three things you can do with the kids.

Principle #7—Humor/Silliness

Ahh, humor. Remember the toilet paper fiasco? Humor is a mental and emotional life raft when you are drowning in a sea of unpleasant feelings. Ask yourself, “Will this issue I’m so frustrated with right now be an issue in two years? Will it be an issue after the kids are in bed tonight?” Many of the common everyday challenges with small children feel powerful in the moment, but are not actually long lasting. Reminding yourself to find the humor and fun in a situation can be a game changer.

Also, just being silly when you are about to get emotionally deregulated can also be very helpful. For example, I have found that when I’m about to loose my cool, talking in a British accent really really helps. “Okay laddies, ‘tis time to put on yor shoes, so we can have a jolly day.” You may think I’m weird, and you would be correct, but listen, it helps me! I’m not saying ignore your child’s bad behavior or important safety concerns. What I’m saying is that a lot of parenting frustration simply comes down to being tired or stressed. Taking a step back and recognizing life is not that serious, can be very helpful. For me, that looks like British accents…

Reflective questions: What makes me and/or my children laugh? What does our family find funny, and how can I employ this strategy more?