BY AMBER BATEMAN

9/26/2024

Saturday was supposed to be my day off. It was a crazy week honestly, and I was tired. I had this day planned in advance to recuperate. To do some things that filled me up after pouring out a lot this week. And so what do I proceed to do? 27 minutes into my fun and light day, I find myself scarfing down a scone and typing furiously on my computer. My husband and I are working on a fiction novel, and I was literally breaking my back working on it. I was just so excited about the project, and when I get excited about something, look out. I know not everyone can identify with this, but I am an insanely driven personality type. It’s not always a good thing. When I decide to do something (and I decide to do a lot of things), I feel this immense push to complete it. Like right now.

Maybe you can relate and maybe you can’t. Either way, the topic of self care is an extremely important one, especially when it comes to mental health.  Whether it’s how to manage a stressful situation, how to recover from loss, how to be a better spouse or parent, or address a wide variety of other life scenarios, taking care of yourself is at the center of therapy, in my opinion.

What is true self care?

The term self care can evoke a wide variety of ideas for different people. So here is what I mean by self care. True self care is about two things:

1) Understanding what you actually need and

2) Getting those needs met in a healthy way.

True self care is about identifying your body’s physical needs (such as food, less caffeine, more movement, better sleep, etc.), your emotional needs (such as naming your feelings, having a good cry, watching something that makes you laugh, etc.), your relational needs (having a good conversation with a friend, helping another person, doing an enjoyable activity together, etc.), and your spiritual needs (listening to worship music, being engaged in a local church, prayer, etc.).

Self care is NOT:

1)      Creating more stress by giving yourself even more things to do or having rigid/unrealistic expectations of yourself.

2)      Neglecting your responsibilities or acting selfishly.

Many people, including many Christians, believe that the concept of self care is selfish at its core. I acknowledge that some people use the term self care to justify being mean or lazy. Let’s be clear that is not what I’m talking about here. I would never recommend someone be truly selfish or lazy, partly because those actions are not actually self care! What happens if you are chronically mean and lazy? You lose your job, your family is not happy with you, you’re absorbed with thoughts of yourself, etc. None of these things make for a happy, healthy life. None of these things take care of you.

Selfishness vs. Self care.

Selfishness is about satisfying your immediate desires without taking into consideration what you actually need and what others in your life need.

Self care is about getting to the root of what you really need in a given moment, and rarely takes from or harms other people in your life.

Let’s look at an example. There’s a mom with 4 children, 2 dogs, and a hamster. She comes into counseling extremely overwhelmed and exhausted. She is irritable with her children and if she’s honest, resentful toward her husband. After a lot of listening and validating how difficult mothering 4 children can be, we attempt to brainstorm some solutions for better self care. We identify small practical habits she can start to implement, such as taking a 10 minute walk by herself after supper, but the client says she doesn’t think she can do that because it would be selfish. Do you agree? Remember selfishness is about satisfying immediate desires that don’t actually meet your needs AND that could harm or neglect others. Who in this scenario would be harmed if the client’s husband watched the kids for 10 minutes while she took a walk? If this walk would help the client get a quick mental break and some physical exercise, how would this not benefit not only the woman but her entire family?

I know some will protest saying they don’t have a husband willing to do things like this or maybe you don’t have a partner at all. I hear you. But what I have learned through working with hundreds of women is that very often a partner or family member does want to help. They do want to support their family member in taking care of themselves. Especially if it’s asked for in an authentic and vulnerable way, as opposed to in a resentful or manipulative way (more on healthy vulnerability in future content). Modeling healthy self care is also good for children to witness, as it teaches them that while their needs are important and will be met, they are not the center of the universe and other people (including their parents) have needs too.

Healthy self care is good not only for the individual practicing it, but for that person’s family, friends, coworkers, and community at large. When we take responsibility to care for our own needs as well as those of others, we actually serve others too. For Christians, by taking care of ourselves, we also benefit the whole body of Christ. In her book, Soul Care: Life-giving Rhythms to Live Rested, Avoid Burnout, and Find Unshakable Joy, counselor Debra Fileta responded to the idea that self care is selfish or unbiblical with this thought:

“Because ironically, when you are burned out, depleted, and depressed, the only thing you can think about is yourself. Your pain and struggles become the focus of your life.”

Debra knows what I see too as a counselor. That those who don’t care for themselves and see their own needs as important, often burn out, fall into sin, or have a crisis of faith. If you do not give your body and soul the attention it needs, it will demand it.  

I am not saying life should be easy. That we are called to just take bubble baths and never do anything hard. Or that we should avoid suffering. I’m saying that life is full of enough suffering and we don’t have to make it even harder by not utilizing the good gifts God gives us to help along the journey. It benefits no one.

Things that can keep us from engaging in self care.

1)      Shame: the belief that I am bad or undeserving of love and care.

2)      Pride: the fear of vulnerability that I have weakness or needs.

3)      Fear: particularly of what others will think of me. The belief that others will reject or abandon me, or accuse me of being selfish, lazy, or unchristian.

4)      Lack of practice: constant productivity and business can be simply a hard habit to break in a culture that highly values hustling.

Do you relate to any of these? Take some time to think on this and possibly talk with someone about it. As I admitted at the start of this blog, self care is not always easy (even for counselors) nor do we have to get it perfect. We are all on the journey of living life to the full.

How do you know what is true self care practices?

We live in a culture that is very good at being entertained and distracted, but not necessarily rested and rejuvenated. Some questions to ask when identifying your self care practices:

1)      Do I actually feel better, rested, inspired, energized, content, or at peace after engaging in this activity?

2)      Does this activity meet physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual needs?

Note that self care can look different for different people because people have different personalities and needs. What fills up one person may actually drain another. And some practices that worked for you in one season of your life may not be the best strategy for another season. For example, a single male in his 80’s is likely to have different needs that he did as a young father in his 30’s.  The skill is in learning what you need in your current season and even in a particular moment. Again, your needs can change.

Sometimes you may engage in an activity that you know is good for you, but you don’t necessarily feel better in the moment. This can especially be true if you are trying to decrease media consumption. Turning on the TV or scrolling on your phone can feel like the path of least resistance when you are tired. But keep in mind that you are trying to make choices that satisfy not just your current feelings, but that invest in your overall health. In being the kind of person you want to be or feel called to be.

Self care is a huge topic that I could talk a lot about, but I think I’ll stop here. If you want more on this topic, I recommend Debra Fileta’s book Soul Care.

Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.