BY AMBER BATEMAN

10/14/2024

Anxiety continues to rise in our modern world. It is now rare for a person to not know a family member, friend, or coworker, etc. who is struggling with anxiety. At a recent Q & A talk, someone asked us how they could support someone they love who struggles with anxiety. While there are of course no “cure all” answers to this question, I’d like to share some simple straightforward ideas for those who find themselves in this situation. These ideas are also useful for those struggling with anxiety themselves, as this list can give you a sense of what you need and what to ask for from others who want to help you. While I am highlighting anxiety here, this list really could be applied to any mental health struggle.

1)      Make time to be available. I know this sounds obvious, but do you realize that in our modern era, giving someone your undivided attention for even 15 minutes is a huge gift? Most modern Americans are quite addicted to their phones. We suffer from overstimulation from all the media we consume. This makes focusing on only the person in front of us surprisingly difficult. But it is a tremendous gift. Think about it. How frustrating and discouraging it is when you are having a hard day and everyone seems too busy or distracted to really listen? Alternatively, think of a time when someone prioritized you, took the time to give you eye contact and really be present—how calming and validating and encouraging that was. If you’re like me, you were so grateful for that person’s time.

Example of what NOT to do: Ask the person a question but 10 seconds later glance at your phone to see who’s texting you. Example of what to do: put your phone down and out of sight and look at the person your undivided attention.

2)      Listen and Reflect More; Give Advice Less. When we hear someone we care about share their struggles, it can be very tempting to step in and try to fix it. Maybe we’ve been in a similar situation before and we want to share what we learned. Maybe we don’t like seeing the person suffer. Maybe listening to other people’s suffering makes us uncomfortable and reminds us of our own issues. Whatever the reason, being quick to jump in and give advice or offer suggestions is not likely to be very helpful, especially for someone experiencing anxiety. Think about it. When you are having a really hard time, do you want someone to start interrogating you about all the things you’ve tried and all the things you should try and all things they tried that worked for them when they were in that situation? I sure don’t. Even if it’s well meaning, it makes me feel stupid, incompetent, judged, unspiritual, and honestly, I’m not likely to go that person again if I’m really feeling low. So instead: simply listen and reflect. Show active listening skills by nodding your head or making sounds such as “Mmmm” and “Yeah” to show that you are engaged and paying attention. And reflect. This is exactly what it sounds like. Just reflect back what you hear the person saying.

Example: “Wow, I hear what you’re saying. You’ve been under so much pressure lately and you’re not sure you’re ready for the audit coming up at work. You feel super overwhelmed. That sounds so tough, friend.”

3)      Ask How You Can Support. After a significant amount of listening, you could ask, “How can I support you?” “Is there anything I can do to make this season easier on you?” You can also offer some suggestions of practical ways you are willing to help.

4)      Offer physical touch. Another aspect of modern Western culture that can be isolating and lonely, is lack of positive physical touch. If it is appropriate to the context, offer the person a hug, a hand on their shoulder or arm. Loving, appropriate touch can be soothing and grounding, helping the person experiencing anxiety feel more secure.

5)      Help the person engage in self care. After significant listening and reflecting, it may be helpful to encourage the person to engage in some kind of healthy distraction or self care practice, such as getting something to eat, going for a walk in nature, watching a relaxing show together, etc. The goal is not to avoid or distract the person from expressing their thoughts and feelings, but that when are finished sharing, help them do the next right thing for themselves.

6)      Recommend/encourage additional resources. After significant listening and reflecting to make sure you understand what the person is thinking and feeling, it may be helpful to offer some resources, such as a good therapist you know of or a support group such as GriefShare. I am sometimes asked when someone should seek counseling, and my answer is it’s almost never too early. I understand that counseling can be expensive and inconvenient, but getting help early before the problem is too big can be very helpful. You don’t have to sign up for therapy for the rest of your life. Sometimes even a few sessions can offer some insight.

Some signs that you or your child should get help include: problems with daily functioning such as eating, sleeping, maintaining hygiene, or completing school or work tasks; problems with relationships or physical symptoms such as chest pain, headaches, muscle tension, or upset stomach; obsessive or unwanted thoughts which are difficult to control. If these types of symptoms persist for over two weeks, I would consider finding a therapist.

7)      Take Care of Yourself. If you spend time around anxious people, it can be easy to get sucked into anxiety yourself. This is why it is so important to be mindful of your own needs and your physical and emotional capacity. You will not be very helpful to others if you are getting dysregulated and upset yourself. When you are finished with this blog post, check out the one before this on self care if you haven’t already.

It can be an extremely rewarding and meaningful experience to support someone struggling with anxiety. On behalf of the people in your life, thank you for taking time to read this post!