ARE KIDS RESILIENT?
BY AMBER BATEMAN
5/28/2024
“They’ll be fine. Kids are resilient,” one mother says to another as they discuss their middle school aged daughters going back to school after 18 months of Covid-19 disruptions. The second mother nods her head, hesitant, but not sure what else to say. She’s heard this phrase several times in the last few years. Well-meaning people trying to ease her concern, to reassure her that children are strong and able to handle difficulties. You have likely heard this phrase too. Maybe you’ve said it yourself. But is it true? Are kids resilient? Is that the correct word to use and does it matter?
Resiliency is “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).
I would argue (and many mental health professionals would agree) that children are naturally “adaptable,” rather than inherently resilient. Especially in the first years of life, a child’s brain is malleable, continuously growing and changing, soaking in information. They develop an Attachment Style: strong beliefs about themselves, others, and the world. Children who are “securely attached” to caregivers tend to find success more easily in their relationships as adults. Children who do not get appropriate attention and nurture can have difficulties with relationships, substance abuse, poor self-image, poor emotional regulation, and lack of positive coping skills.
It is true that children often will adapt in difficult situations. I think that is what people mean when they use this phrase. But even though a child will learn to survive, it is not always for the better. What doesn’t kill her does not always make her stronger in a healthy way. She may learn to isolate, not trust herself or others, numb pain through unhealthy coping. While there may be some evidence that certain people are more naturally resilient than others, assuming all children are resilient simply because they are children is presumptuous.
So what does this mean? Should children then be sheltered from any potential threats or danger? The answer is no, because fortunately, resiliency can be developed and strengthened in all humans. Children need opportunities to grow. Caregivers who protect their children from age appropriate difficulties set the child up to be overly dependent on others and lack confidence. However, children do need support from adults when faced with a difficult circumstance. Children need others to help them build resiliency—the capacity to recover or adapt in healthy ways.
Steps to help build resiliency in children:
Encourage
Encourage children to engage in activities with age appropriate risks (toddlers on a playground, school age child playing sports, older teen driving a car).
Invite children to ask for help when they need it, while also encouraging kids to learn how to solve problems they are capable of solving (i.e. child asks for help with science project. Adult does not do work for him, but alongside him as a support).
Allow
Allow children to experience natural consequences for poor decisions (i.e. child routinely forgets homework, do not make excuses for him or otherwise bail him out. Follow consequences with empathy).
Allow children to attend and participate in life events such as funeral services. Give children plenty of opportunities to ask questions, share their thoughts and feelings.
Teach
Teach and model how to identify feelings (toddler is crying- say “I can see that you are feeling sad. Sometimes I feel sad too”).
Teach and model healthy coping skills (Breathing and mindfulness techniques, physical activities, healthy sleep and eating habits, plenty of opportunity to play, spend quality time with trusted family and friends).
Listen
Listen. Slow down busy schedules as much as possible. Take time to truly know and listen to children. They will only be children for a short time, and involved, caring adults have great influence over developing resiliency in a child’s life.
Provide
Provide opportunities for children to receive professional counseling after a significant loss or life change. Base significance on child’s perception, not the adult’s (i.e. loss of a pet may be very significant to a child).
As you read this article, you may wonder about your own children experiences and attachment style. I invite you to check out this free attachment quiz from The Attachment Project to learn more.
For further information about resiliency, see the following articles:
https://www.samhsa.gov/homelessness-programs-resources/hpr-resources/childhood-resilience
https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4185134/
https://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/childrens-resilience