Child On Child Sexual Abuse/Experiences
By Amber Bateman
2/4/2025
Trigger warning: This post includes a potentially sensitive topic for some people.
I’ll admit. This is not a blog I was looking forward to writing. However, it is a topic that deserves attention because it is large problem and because there are practical steps that can be taken to mitigate risks. Child on child sexual abuse is worth talking about.
I do not mean to discount other forms of sexual abuse (such as by an adult) or other kinds of abuse (such as physical abuse). We are simply highlighting child on child sexual abuse in this blog, as it often does not get the attention it deserves.
What it is?
Child on child sexual abuse is forced or manipulative sexual behavior, usually towards a younger or more vulnerable child by an older child. Many who have experienced childhood sexual experiences wrestle with similar questions. What if the children were about the same age? What if the children willingly participated and did not seem coerced? It is still technically abuse? Is it possible to have a childhood sexual experience and NOT be negatively affected?
As a licensed professional counselor, I care less about formal definitions and more about the hearts of children affected. If a child (or now adult looking back on their childhood) feels confused, traumatized, or otherwise affected by the experience, then your experience matters! You can discuss with a professional counselor whether the experience was technically “sexual abuse” and that may be helpful. However, at the end of the day, helping you process the experience is what really matters.
The exact prevalence of child on child sexual experiences is unknown, partly due to the secrecy, embarrassment, and shame that can be associated with it. However, some studies suggest that child on child sexual abuse, particularly sibling sexual abuse, can be very common and may account for one third of child sexual abuse cases (1).
Premature sexual encounters can happen at any age, but I commonly hear people talk about having a sexual experience with another child around ages 6-8. Often it was with an older sibling, cousin, neighbor kid, or church youth group member. It can happen at sleepovers, but also while simply playing together in homes or outside in the woods. Unfortunately, many people have shared with me that their first sexual encounter was during a game of hide and seek.
It’s Effects
Many people find childhood sexual experiences very disturbing. Some people were bothered as it was happening and some were not bothered by it until much later. Many people share that the memories became disturbing as they grew into adolescence and learned more about sexuality and realized they had already had a sexual experience.
Child on child sexual experiences can be particularly difficult because of the confusion and shame associated with it. Children very much care about their relationship with their peers. Sexual encounters with another child can be hard for the child to make sense of and process. This may lead the child to develop unhealthy identity and shame.
It is important to note that people can be affected differently by the same experience. Child sexual experiences are not necessarily traumatizing for every person. Some people look back on their experience as relatively innocent and exploratory, or maybe it was strange, but it doesn’t negatively affect them anymore, if it ever did at all.
What if this is you? If you experienced a sexual encounter as a child, you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling, whether deeply bothered or not really bothered at all, your feelings and experience are valid.
There is hope! While childhood sexual experiences can be very difficult, there are steps we can take to mitigate risks.
Prevention
1. Talk to your child about sexuality early. This cannot be stressed enough! Do not wait until adolescence to have “the sex talk”. Sexuality should be talked about in an age-appropriate manner to children as young as toddlers. Teach kids that their bodies are special and deserve to be respected. Teach even little children the proper names for body parts and that they are allowed to talk to you about any questions they have. If you need help, read a book together such as God Made All of Me by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.
2. Teach healthy boundaries to your children. Even little children should be taught that parts of their body are very special and are to be private. Teach children that they have the right to privacy and the ability to say no to unwanted touch, even by family members or friends. Also, teach children to respect other people’s boundaries. If someone says, “stop” or “don’t touch me” we respect their personal boundaries!
3. Do not assume “good kids” would never do that. Any child can be curious, manipulative, persuaded, or influenced by media or other people. It is adults’ responsibility to teach and prepare children to protect themselves and to respect others.
4. Be very involved in your child’s life. Ask questions, show genuine interest in your child’s friends and spend time with them. Always be aware of your child’s whereabouts, slowly releasing control as the child reaches teen years and prepares for adulthood.
5. Be available. As much as possible, be available after school or other events when your child has interacted with others outside of your view. Many people have shared with me that they had good adults in their life, but the adults were always so busy, the child did not feel free to ask or talk about what they experienced. Your child is only a child for a very short time! No amount of money or prestige is more important than being consistently available for your child every day.
6. Be on the lookout for changes in the child’s mood or behaviors. If you notice something seems to be bothering them, take extra care to spend time with the child and show genuine interest in their lives. If you suspect something may have happened, do not hesitate to have the child speak with a professional counselor right away.
7. Address your own sexual experiences/traumas. One of the main reasons parents do not adequately prepare their child to handle sexual encounters is because they have their own unresolved sexual trauma. Please seek help for your own experiences. This is one of the most loving things you can do for your child.
Response: How to respond if your child has had a sexual encounter. This could apply to a child who has done the act, had it done to them, or mutual participation.
a. Listen and reflect what you have heard them say.
b. Take it seriously. Do not try to convince the child that it did not happen or that it is not a big deal.
c. Validate the child’s feelings. A feeling is not right or wrong. They simply happen to us.
d. Do not punish the child, scold, or shame. Most children who have had a sexual experience already feel a sense of shame. What they need is support and help as they process the experience.
e. Manage your own reaction. Take it seriously, but do not panic or become anxious in front of the child. Get help for yourself if you are feeling overwhelmed or triggered.
f. Seek professional counseling. Even if the child does not seem overly affected, I think it is still helpful to see a counselor at least for a few sessions. Be aware, many incidents of child on child abuse are reportable by law, and should be reported to child protective services. I know this may seem frightening and uncomfortable, but your child deserves to see his/her community come around and support them.
Children are very adaptable. We can teach and encourage resiliency by helping them process difficult situations and empower them to advocate for themselves and for others. Thank you for reading all the way through and for caring for the children in your life!