Healthy Vulnerability

By Amber Bateman

4/18/2025

I have recently been going through a difficult health challenge. I have not navigated it perfectly, but one principle that has gotten me through is healthy vulnerability. Healthy vulnerability has allowed my family, friends, and community to support and love me through this season, and has made the journey less traumatic. I am so grateful for this extremely valuable tool, and I’d love for you also to employ it in your own life.

When it comes to mental health, healthy vulnerability is just as important as healthy boundaries. Once you understand boundaries, healthy vulnerability makes sense and becomes easier. If you haven’t already read my blog on boundaries, I would recommend giving it a read!

What is healthy vulnerability?

Healthy Vulnerability is being honest about your emotions in the present moment with reasonably safe people, despite the risk of being perceived negatively.

Let’s break this definition down:

Emotions: The key here is to identify emotion words, not thoughts. This takes emotional intelligence which fortunately, anyone can learn. It’s hard to be honest about your emotions if you don’t know what they are, so take time to practice this very helpful skill.

Example of a thought—“I just feel like nobody ever listens to me!”

Example of an emotion—“I feel overlooked and unseen, and it really hurts.”

Naming your thoughts is also a good idea, but if you want deeper, more intimate relationships, naming your emotions gives more valuable insight into your heart and builds stronger connection. Also, notice I wrote be honest about YOUR emotions, not anyone else’s. Accusing others or claiming to know their thoughts/emotions is not as helpful. Focus on being honest about your own emotions.

Example of focusing on other’s emotions—“If you were not so angry all the time, I wouldn’t be angry either!”

Example of focusing on your own emotions—“I feel so frustrated when we fight. I’m feeling really defeated.”

In the present moment: It’s important to note that while being honest about something you’ve been through in the past is a great idea, it’s not as powerful as being honest about something you are currently experiencing. Think about it. If someone in a small group says, “I used to struggle with a sense of shame, but then I went to counseling, got better, etc.” That is not as vulnerable as someone who says, “I used to struggle with a sense of shame, and it’s back again. I’m really having a hard time.”

Reasonably safe people: No human being is perfect. Even those with the best intentions can be negatively influenced by their own struggles. So we are not looking for perfect people to be vulnerable with. If that were the case, we would never share with anyone. But we are looking for reasonably safe people. That is, people who have shown with their actions that they can be trusted, not perfectly 100% of the time, but generally.

There are also layers of vulnerability. As people slowly earn your trust, you can trust them with a deeper level of vulnerability.

Example—let’s say you are joining a new small group at church. You’ve never met anyone in the group before. Sharing your deepest darkest secrets on the first night may not be the wisest choice. You don’t know if these people are safe enough for that. However, you could share something slightly vulnerable, such as that you had a stressful day at work. See how the group responds. If they respond reasonably well, then you could share deeper vulnerabilities as time progresses and you get to know the group better.

Despite the risk of being perceived negatively. You know that phrase, “everything I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten”? I’m tempting to create another phrase “every unhealthy mental health habit I learned in middle school.” Think about it! Many of us learned in early adolescence that it was not okay to be honest about your struggles. You needed to fit in, to be cool, to have it all together. You learned not to say certain things, to present a curated image of yourself in order to be accepted. But you are not in middle school anymore! While that helped you survive a really rough period of development, you don’t have to stay there. This is not a great life-long strategy.

But “Amber,” you may say: “If I show my authentic feelings, people will leave me! I’ll be alone.”  I know that being vulnerable can be scary. The fear of rejection or abandonment is real. But listen: if you are genuine and vulnerable in a healthy way and people mistreat you because of it, these are not people you need in your life. I will say it again—if a person consistently shows that they are not a safe person for you to be vulnerable with, then these are not people you want to be close to anyway. You need to set boundaries with them. You don’t have to keep being vulnerable with those who demonstrate with their words and behaviors that they are not trustworthy.

But find someone who is. Whether that be your great aunt’s best friend, a barista, even a pet for goodness sake! Find someone who can listen to you and be a safe landing place to process your feelings, even if you have to pay someone like a therapist.

How does vulnerability improve mental health?

1.       Being authentic reduces stress and anxiety. You don’t have to lie or keep up a façade.

2.       It decreases depression. Depression often arises from unexpressed feelings. The feelings have to go somewhere. When they aren’t expressed, they don’t just go away. They need to be expressed with safe people.

3.       It builds social connection, which reduces anxiety and depression, builds resilience, and overall improves quality of life.

I will warn you healthy vulnerability is not popular. People may look at you strangely at first. Perhaps this is partly why we have so many unhappy relationships and unhappy people in general. But if you start practicing healthy vulnerability, you will find that many people want to help you and love you if you let them. You will grow closer to others, as people will then in turn feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you.

I would strongly encourage you to start practicing healthy vulnerability today! You will be amazed at how life changing it can be. Healthy vulnerability is one of my most valuable tips to combat modern dangers to our mental health that I discuss in my book, Save Yourself Some Therapy, releasing September 2025.